I'll never forget the sound of "baby," the way Stanley's voice said it to me. At my baby's memorial, I lost my voice. I did not give a speech or share any words. I could not stop crying. My brain could not understand how I was suppose to believe his body was now ashes inside an urn on a table in front of me. Nothing about that made any sense. I am not sure I even believed it actually happened still at that point. Writing some words down later and making a shrine of connections to this episode of The Muppet Show helped me (as backwards as it may seem) attempt to face reason, which Stanley was always much better at than me.
& Stanley has come back to me in strange ways, two of which times are mentioned in the poem. Stanley became the first ghostI actually felt. Once, while Adventure Time was on the screen, and Future Islands was playing out of a boom box that I received as a Christmas gift from a Dominican student of minem the time, and there, in bed in my apartment, 117th street was under construction below me, and I felt his presence return for a moment.
& also, right after I found out he had taken his life, I received several phone calls from an unidentified number from Orlando. The one time I answered it, an Indian woman answered. Stanley was very interested in Hinduism. I recall one time I had just finished writing a pantoum (muppoem #118) when he buzzed my apartment to come up after celebrating Holi, the Hindu Festival of Colors.
& my first boyfriend was from Cape Verde and was born in '76, the year The Muppet Show premiered and also the year of the dragon. When I reunited with Stanley at Horse Meat Disco, he was wearing a shirt with the Mortal Kombat dragon on it. He too was born in the year of the dragon, but '88.
& Dream Pop Press accepted my book, BLUE 4 U, for publication on November 7, 2021. It was not done on purpose, I was assured by Isobel, the editor in chief. She didn't understand why I asked and said it was just a coincidence.
& the day the book went up for pre-sale, I was back in Lisbon. Everywhere I looked that day, besides the Burger King Queen Cheese Chicken Sandwich ad, was a poster ad for a production of Orlando to play at the Dona Maria National Theatre. Unfortunately, I had to miss it to be back in NYC, writing this now, but but the poster was special enough to me.
& just as other numbers appear to me randomly, yet frequently, so too does 11/7. For instance, the other night, I was woken up by a car alarm. I grabbed my phone, and saw the time was 1:17. I said to myself hey baby, and then just as soon as I was about to go back to sleep, someone buzzed my apartment. It had been a long time since he buzzed my apartment, and I wasn't expecting anyone, so it was just a coincidence with some random person (maybe related to the car alarm?) late at night. I just laid there.
“To die will be an awfully big adventure.”
& I had liked the Gigamesh remix of this song better at the time.
He said RY X was superior as it was closer to the song.
He was correct.
& once, in a cab ride home, Stanley shared with me how he used to think about being a poet. He said he won an award for an ekphrastic piece he wrote when he was younger. He chuckled to him self saying it had all the old white women in tears. After he passed, I was set on trying to uncover that poem, and thanks to the thoughtful people at the Frick, I was able to be touched by it, as I imagine you will be too.
I don't know if I believe in numbers, but when the numbers line up, I believe in some sort of math to love, for how ever long in time it exists, it feels like I'm connected again.
2/25/23
So I've been bartending lately at this gay bar in NYC, and above the bar is this tiled mosaic piece of art that depicts a space alien, rainbow colored. People would come in to "flash" it with their phones for awhile now and I always just kind of smiled or huhhed at it until I looked up the street artist and decided to download his "Flash Invader" app and flash it my self and maybe I'd play too. I had been cooped up depressed in my house and thought maybe it would be good for me. During this sad month in which he passed, I flashed the space invader at the bar, and it turned out to be number "117" (his birthday) in the Invader's NY series. I thought maybe Stanley was trying to help me and decided to commit to playing the silly game.
#ny_117
10/24/23
I woke up and remembered a dream where I saw a beautiful sunset and huge whales flipping out the ocean so beautiful and then I took out my camera but as I tried to get the most beautiful shot the pink sunset disappeared and it became dark and I could still see the whales but not quite as beautiful now and I was disappointed and someone who I can't remember who it is someone said "don't even try it" as if to say I should have been grateful without a need for a picture and then the whales like did this thing where they were all on top of each other like in a stack like some sort of circus ladder and they turned into a Broadway sign and the lights turned out and the sign featured the faces of the cast of 7th Heaven and then I woke up!
I wondered what whales in a dream might symbolize and went to my phone to google it when I noticed I had an email that was an invitation for a signed vinyl for the first so many fans of Future Islands, which was out favorite, and I saw their new album was called "People Who Aren't Here," and then it said, I have until November 7th (Stan's birthday) to sign up and order it, and there was this song on the album that reminds me strangely of 11/7 "7 alligator 7" where the too Ls in alligator make an eleven, and I thought about the whales on top of each other and the song "The Tower" and about what might be a Heaven.
3/9/24
Stanley
and I had no connection with each other through Barbra Streisand, and
although he liked "Singing in the Rain," he didn't particularly like
musicals, but I did. Again depressed, I decided to download Streisand's
autobiography on Audible and gave it a listen and just absolutely fell
in love. I went online to learn more about her book, and I saw that it
was released on November 7th, and somehow this "thing" felt like it was a
gift to cheer me up. I went and took a bath and continued to listen,
and as I'm listening, Barbra starts to talk about numbers, and meaning,
and the significance of connections, and I just got chills in a hot tub
of water.
8/12/24
"Blue Light" by Prince came on my shuffle as I was cooking in the kitchen, maybe his favorite place in my apartment, and some parts of the song got me thinking about him. Then, there was a specific line that surprised which was, "I'll be 117..."
When I came to add this entry I noticed this page has had 87 views, making me the 88th, and Stanley was born in 1988, and this happens to be muppoem 88. After I finished, I shut my computer off to watch a movie called "Smiley Face" and noticed it was 10:28, my birthday.
8/20/24
I was in an argument with my parents while we were trying to go out to eat. I was sitting in the lobby harumphing and then I looked up and noticed something at the hostess stand. It helped me take a breath and go try and makes things better between us.
10/7/24
Today was a weird one, not sure how to explain... Sometimes, every Thing does feel like some absurd simulation I'm living.
There was some sort of Kafkaesque clerical error that occurred creating a lien against my name, and I've been trying to sort it out. Today I went to 88-11 Sutphin Blvd, Queens County Courthouse to ask for help Unfortunately, nothing was resolved, and I cried a bit so overwhelmed, and remember thinking on the MTA back, what if I end up on the streets?
Now, strangely, there has been a homeless guy who keeps entering my building, and has stolen packages from the hallway, and has even gotten inside and rang and knocked on my door, the one to my apartment inside my building. Also, one time, as I was entering, he ran behind me and tried to get inside as I was coming in, putting me in an awkward situation once again. After the Courthouse, as I'm walking home, I notice him in front of my building, acting a bit strung out, and I guess, kind of fearful, I said to myself, "not today," so I pulled out my phone at the corner (yes that would be 117th street) to look on my phone while I waited for him to leave my front entrance. As I did that, he noticed me and we made eye contact and I just crossed the street quickly. He starts yelling, "Hey! HEY! HEY!!!!!" I have headphones on, so he's like SCREAMING at me, and I just couldn't ignore him, he was so loud, so I confronted him and said "what?" He holds up my wallet, which I must have dropped when I pulled out my phone trying to ignore him, and returns it to me saying "You dropped this. I wouldn't do you dirty like that, papi." I was kind of in shock, and I gave him five bucks from it. I came inside and started crying again, and then I thought, I need to go back and find out his name and buy him a meal or something. Unfortunately I walked up and down several streets, but I couldn't find him, and that was that.
Anyway, that's what happened today, and the weird thing, Stanley's number just came up again tonight after all that, and I feel like I should report it. I am a Batman fanatic, and although I enjoyed the last movie, and I wanted to like this new spin-off show, The Penguin, but I was a little turned off by why they chose to make the character of Victor, the only Black character, subservient and with a stutter. It's a bit too close to the same Alien Romulus optics I found to be wrong in this day and age. Well, suddenly, during a long dialogue about drugs and escape in this episode, Victor, who happens to be Dominican like Stanley, pulls out his phone in the show, and there it was, and here it is:
11/7/24
Today on Stan's birthday I've just been hanging out, trying to organize my apartment, and I was talking to my friend, Rosette, and asked her for a good movie recommendation. I wanted something to make me feel good and she suggested "Poison Ivy," and I agreed. I go on my ROKU (which, Stanley, btw, introduced me to and actually got me my first one as a gift since I had a rabbit antenna digital TV converter at the time I met him) and nowhere is this film streaming! So then I figured I'd have to try online... but even the pirate site I use( movies123-online ) didn't have the bandwidth to load this movie! Ok, so I already have the hugest unnecessary DVD collection of all time, but I figure I guess I got to buy it in order to rewatch this film! So I go to Amazon, and the DVD is listed specifically with the date November 7th. The randomness of life connected me to him, and sure enough, continues to lead me back to him.
11/17/24
So I applied for a new passport on 10/24/24 at the post office and I got it in the mail the other day. I just looked at it again and noticed the date it was issued. It's nice to have that reminder every time I travel now. It feels like a hug from above.
11/18/24
I got connected on the gram to two videos that had me cracking up and guffawing. I found out the wig who makes the videos is named Pete Zias (@petezias) . When something gives me joy, like The Muppet Show, I obviously get obsessed. I get addicted, and so I found his first podcaast, Cha Cha Heels, and decided to listen to the series from beginning to end. The episodes hark all
the way back to my Tandem, Toolbox, and Rainbow Rooms days, which is also fun because I can remember my life through moments. So many milestones of my life are marked through trashy Hollywood events that I'd talk about and obsess over. As a gay kid, I loved the E! channel, and so all the frivolous dramas from tabloids and Inside Edition that Zias discusses on the podcast have also interested me. Plus I'm a big Madonna fan, so, done.
Cha
Cha Heels is co-hosted by a man named Marcel aka "Thee Black Ken," who is different from the work of Zias that I fell in love with, but the more I listened, the more I grow a tenderness and appreciation for him as well. Recently, there have been a few times when there are certain random things that will remind me suddenly of Stanley. A "hmmph" he makes, or an inflection in his voice, or a soft short, laugh, almost to himself, where I have a memory of Stan. His kind of covered smart and serious
sense of humor matched with a pessimistic but youthful energy I think plays for a good Bert to Zias's Ernie on the show.
What happens though is that the two have a falling out, and Zias eventually goes on alonewith Total Trash Live. What ever happened between the two of
them, I mean I don’t know the tea on the trash, obviously, but I'm curious. I can't ever assume to know... I would never want to pry on someone else's affairs, so of course I'll remain curious, and I can only speculate 🔎 ...something in my
heart tells me it probably had something to do with maturity level, since there's an age gap between Pete and Marcel. And let's face it, there's big differences in perception with age. Also, Marcel doesn't have any improv training, so maybe that's why he turns to no rather than yes. Or I it could probably be jealousy. Or probably the most just reason being Marcel was just too darn stubborn to even attempt to understand Madonna and accept her God-given talent. Well anyways, whatever it is, I
hope they have by now or will in the future make amends with one another. And I'm rambling on this perhaps because part
of these emotions I'm having might possibly stem from the fact that the last episode of the
podcast Cha Cha Heels with the two of them together is #117. Yeah, I broke the rules, and I took it personal, again, ok?
Ok, but in addition to this connection, then something else happened. I might be liking and commenting a lot on @petezias 's inside editions, and sure enough, today, Zias responded to me after I commented on something he posted. As a Madonna stan as well, I then thought I'd share with him this Madonna mug that came up on my feed (which I already ordered for myself and a friend (there's another version with her album covers I ordered as well)). No big news, Pete said he saw it on his feed already, but anywayzzzzz.... I was originally unable to find Thee Black Ken on social media, but then I got to the podcast episode today where he mentions a new handle @bootypopqueen. So I go to follow him, and what should I notice on his page? Well, his most recent post was of a mug! Isn't that crazy? The same day/time span? Two mugs without wigs. Help me, Miss Cleo! What does it all mean? I have no clue, but it just so happened that that post, of his mug, well guess what? It was posted on 11/7.
12/9/24
When Stan and I were dating I was bartending at a bar called the Toolbox in UES. I hadn't been back there in a very long time, but I decided to stop in as a customer tonight for a friend's 40th birthday. While I was there, a phone lit up on the bar, I looked down, and sure enough, it was 11:07. What was extra special about it is that the guy's phone had a picture of the X-men Storm as his wallpaper. For Halloween in '17, just as mentioned in this poem, Stan had dressed up as Mystique, and I decided to change my costume last minute to (a very busted) Storm for that night out together.
